ramblings.....

So I was in a particularly sappy mood tonight......and i went on a misson....i bought The Notebook...i absolutely love that movie.....it's so......so good... it's gotten me thinking about all of this love, life, and everything.... of course i bawled like an infant, but i needed that...i needed some true, raw emotion from deep inside myself...it's been awhile since i've just thought about things and tried to put things in perspective....

That movie gives me hope....even though it's a fictional story, I still like to believe that somehow, that kind of love is possible in this world.... That all encompassing, fire igniting, soul tingling, unconditional, undying, completely committed, gotta have you kind of love. The love that makes you feel alive....the kind that gives you a reason to get up in the morning....hell, it even makes you want the night to go by faster so you can be with that person again...Is it real? could it actually exist? i dont know....but i've always thought and hoped it does...maybe i'm just way too idealistic. I've always been a fairy tale girl...believed that one day, if i was patient enough-my prince, my true love would come find me, sweep me off of my feet.....rescue me from the emptiness...the loneliness.....he'd be my hero, my lover, my best friend....i'd have that amazing connection that's so deep words can't even express it. No word would be elaborate enough, rich enough.....

i mean am i just totally nuts? is it so wrong to want to find love? to be loved and to love someone else? is it so bad that i don't want to just waste my time and fool around with guys i have no interest in? is it so terrible that i dont just go out with whatever guy expresses interest (which isnt often, hahah) but that i'd rather wait, and go out with a guy i ACTUALLY think i could have a relationship with? is bad to want to find a guy to have a real relationship with? one with real feeling...real emotion.... one with movie moment surprises, and even the hurt involved in the arguments because you're just so passionate about eachother. I know i'm only 19, but maybe i'm an old soul, because that's all i truly want in life....to find my soulmate-if such things exist- to fall in love, with every wonderful minute of the falling process....the butterflies, the anxiousness of waiting to see him....growing into the comfortable stage....getting married...having kids...that's what i want in life. I dont want a career, i just want a family.

i'm afraid that i'm only becoming jaded with each passing day...losing that little bit of hope and faith that such things are possible......each week, each month...i grow more bitter....i become less trusting, less hopeful....the more i hear about people getting engaged....getting married....having babies....these people who are my age....i mean i dont want a baby now, heck no.....but i do want to have someone who is always there...who sees me for all that i am. the good, the bad, the crazy, the creative, the fun...all of it...all of it in one 5'3" package. sees me not only as that, but more. someone who wouldnt change a thing about me. someone who thinks i'm beautiful depsite whatever insecurites and flaws i have and see in myself... someone who wont intentionally hurt me. someone who won't become the kind of guys i've dealt with in the past....

and when friends are all coupled off....and i'm left alone...it only makes it worse. when "best friends" ditch me completely everytime they find some new guy that they like at that moment....it really sucks. Having friends parents (who are like your second parents) constantly asking you who your new flame is, where your boyfriend is...becuase all of the other kids you know are coupled....sucks. sitting there, knowing that you're the only one in a group of people who feels like you do... being the only one who longs so badly for that spark, that little jump from brushing his hand...the only one who wants that kind of thing...becuase the others already have found it.....

i really don't know what's worse honestly. The loneliness, the friends ditching me, the parents (and second parents) constantly giving me crap and asking why i dont have a boyfriend...my mom telling me that i run boys off..... or the hopelessness that comes with not being able to find anyone that i care for, who cares back....

basically this all sums up to i'm tired of being alone. I want to find love...or well, i want it to find me at least, haha. but i know that isnt gunna happen while i'm sitting on here whining at 3:45 in the morning. so i'm going to bed.... forgive me my ranting, love you guys.