Crowded Thoughts

weeeee

2006-05-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

so i'm outta my super sappy mode, haha.. I'm just gunna give it all to God and not worry about it...he knows what's best for me...way better than i know what is...

I'm home in good old huntsville...as weird as it is, i really have missed it here! haha...well, i've missed my family at least...and willowbrook....

i start back to work at good ole farley on monday... *sigh*.... but apparently i'm just working 12-6 this summer? i dunno, weird...not that i mind...haha....

i'm pretty sure i'm getting a new phone tomorrow...yaaaaay! but that means i need some sleep...cause mom is gunna make me get up early...lol...

i guess that's about it.... in case i didnt mention before, grammie is outta the hospital... wee! she's so precious...mom was a downer the other day talking about how she shouldnt complain that grammie is high maintenence (she really is) because...AND I QUOTE... "the poor thing isn't gunna live much longer..." i told her not to say that and she was like "what? it's true" and i said that i knew but didnt care becuase it made me sad to hear it... so yeah...that leads me to believe that gram just really isnt doing well at all..I think kelly's coming up here in the morning...maybe she and i can stay the night with grammie tomorrow..or saturday or soemthing... she's lonely over there....anyway..bedtime...

ramblings.....

2006-05-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

So I was in a particularly sappy mood tonight......and i went on a misson....i bought The Notebook...i absolutely love that movie.....it's so......so good... it's gotten me thinking about all of this love, life, and everything.... of course i bawled like an infant, but i needed that...i needed some true, raw emotion from deep inside myself...it's been awhile since i've just thought about things and tried to put things in perspective....

That movie gives me hope....even though it's a fictional story, I still like to believe that somehow, that kind of love is possible in this world.... That all encompassing, fire igniting, soul tingling, unconditional, undying, completely committed, gotta have you kind of love. The love that makes you feel alive....the kind that gives you a reason to get up in the morning....hell, it even makes you want the night to go by faster so you can be with that person again...Is it real? could it actually exist? i dont know....but i've always thought and hoped it does...maybe i'm just way too idealistic. I've always been a fairy tale girl...believed that one day, if i was patient enough-my prince, my true love would come find me, sweep me off of my feet.....rescue me from the emptiness...the loneliness.....he'd be my hero, my lover, my best friend....i'd have that amazing connection that's so deep words can't even express it. No word would be elaborate enough, rich enough.....

i mean am i just totally nuts? is it so wrong to want to find love? to be loved and to love someone else? is it so bad that i don't want to just waste my time and fool around with guys i have no interest in? is it so terrible that i dont just go out with whatever guy expresses interest (which isnt often, hahah) but that i'd rather wait, and go out with a guy i ACTUALLY think i could have a relationship with? is bad to want to find a guy to have a real relationship with? one with real feeling...real emotion.... one with movie moment surprises, and even the hurt involved in the arguments because you're just so passionate about eachother. I know i'm only 19, but maybe i'm an old soul, because that's all i truly want in life....to find my soulmate-if such things exist- to fall in love, with every wonderful minute of the falling process....the butterflies, the anxiousness of waiting to see him....growing into the comfortable stage....getting married...having kids...that's what i want in life. I dont want a career, i just want a family.

i'm afraid that i'm only becoming jaded with each passing day...losing that little bit of hope and faith that such things are possible......each week, each month...i grow more bitter....i become less trusting, less hopeful....the more i hear about people getting engaged....getting married....having babies....these people who are my age....i mean i dont want a baby now, heck no.....but i do want to have someone who is always there...who sees me for all that i am. the good, the bad, the crazy, the creative, the fun...all of it...all of it in one 5'3" package. sees me not only as that, but more. someone who wouldnt change a thing about me. someone who thinks i'm beautiful depsite whatever insecurites and flaws i have and see in myself... someone who wont intentionally hurt me. someone who won't become the kind of guys i've dealt with in the past....

and when friends are all coupled off....and i'm left alone...it only makes it worse. when "best friends" ditch me completely everytime they find some new guy that they like at that moment....it really sucks. Having friends parents (who are like your second parents) constantly asking you who your new flame is, where your boyfriend is...becuase all of the other kids you know are coupled....sucks. sitting there, knowing that you're the only one in a group of people who feels like you do... being the only one who longs so badly for that spark, that little jump from brushing his hand...the only one who wants that kind of thing...becuase the others already have found it.....

i really don't know what's worse honestly. The loneliness, the friends ditching me, the parents (and second parents) constantly giving me crap and asking why i dont have a boyfriend...my mom telling me that i run boys off..... or the hopelessness that comes with not being able to find anyone that i care for, who cares back....

basically this all sums up to i'm tired of being alone. I want to find love...or well, i want it to find me at least, haha. but i know that isnt gunna happen while i'm sitting on here whining at 3:45 in the morning. so i'm going to bed.... forgive me my ranting, love you guys.

celebration time!

2006-04-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

MY NEICE WAS BORN! WOOOOO 7 pound red headed little girl named erin....funny fact...my 26 year old master degree holding psychology major (working on her Ph.D)sister kelly....thought the babys name was spelled aaron....she didnt realize that aaron/erin is gender specific.....how thats possible? noooo idea....but hey, my sister is awesome ...lol how i love her :)

my mom has now realized that her giving me crap for being single was really starting to bother me...so she elaborated today with "now i'm not trying to push you shannon...i mean, it's fine that you're picky...i'd rather you be that than...the...alternative" translation to momma's statement? 'i'd rather you end up a hermit than a whore'..... i love my mother as well *sigh* lol my family is nuts..and i wouldnt change a thing

annnnyway...time for me to do something other than this...sleep maybe? who knows....

WOOOOO!!!!

2006-04-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

MICHELLE IS IN LABOR!!! MY NEICE SHOULD BE BORN ANYYYYYTIME NOW! :) everyone keep the fam in your prayers and i'll let you know when it's time to welcome baby erin elizabeth! haha :)

bitter.

2006-04-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

*sigh* i dont know....i seem to only write in this thing when i'm upset...hopefully that will change....is it so wrong to ask that people be considerate of other peoples feelings? i mean seriously. wtf. it's NOT ok when you KNOW what you're doing upsets someone but you just continue to do it anyway because you know they'll forgive you. i'm too nice. i need to learn to stand up for myself a little more i guess. i just hate confrontation. i hate being mad at people. but it has to happen sometimes right?

and on another aspect of life my mother ACTUALLY said to me today : "well, why don't you get a boyfriend?" gee mom, i dont know let me get out the catalog and choose one. "you run them off and caroline chases them" again, thanks momma, really....i run them off?!?! what is that all about? i know she means well... Kelly said "Don't listen to her. Parents, especially ours say if you have one-it's not the right one, if you don't have one-you should get one, and if you have one and it's good-you should get married and have babies" she has a point. i don't know..maybe i have some inherent flaw in my character or personality that like sends guys running...at least that seems to be how my mother sees it. maybe it's true....because it seems whenever i find one it's fine for a little bit...and then they push me away. i dont know. i just know i'm pissed...and hurt...and depressed....and want it all to go away........

"A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there

Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who. . . "
-Mister Cellophane

"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts,
don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."

"Insanity is knowing that what you're doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can't stop it."-Prozac Nation

"Understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young."

"Be careful of your heart"-Prozac Nation

"Sometimes I wish I could walk around with a HANDLE WITH CARE sign stuck to my forehead."-Prozac Nation

"What makes you think I'm so rich that you can steal my heart and it won't mean a thing?"-Prozac Nation

My mind is a wreck..

2006-04-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

Spring break is over...i have to go back to classes tomorrow... here's a brief summary of why my mind is just...a jumbled ball of emotions

-The wife of my daddy's best friend committed suicide...leaving behind a daughter in her first year at UAH and a 13 year old down's syndrome boy..along with her husband, who is a wonderful man..and has caused Willowbrook West to grow incredibly and touched so many lives...
-Grammie is sick
-I got a speeding ticket on the way home from Kentucky
-Daddy doesn't know it yet....
-But the trip was totally worth getting the ticket, haha
-My grades are not going to be very good this semester...
-Todd Overton is probably going to be in prison for a decent chunk of time..even though i dont think it's enough time...
-Things worked out for donovan with his problems, hooray :)
-I've found someone that i care so deeply for that it frightens me...
-For those of you who know Garrett Anderson from highschool- he had a heart attack..and since his MS is so bad the outlook is not good...
-I've done a LOT of growing up...and I've been thinking about how different i am..even from like...a week ago...
-A couple times i've just gotten to where i can't deal with it all..and i just burst into tears...
-I have no idea what i'm gunna do with my life...like really...none whatsoever
-I'm terrified of disappointing my parents...dad particularly
-I never feel like i'm good enough
-I'm scared the depression is coming back....
-I miss my mom like crazy
-Caroline seems to find guys so easily...i definitely dont...and when i do...of course, it's impossible for anything to come of it...i swear i'm gunna end up the cat lady...i'm just destined to be alone i guess...no matter how badly i want it to be otherwise...
-I feel like i'm wasting my parents money....
-I feel like i have no purpose
-I feel like i'm taking all of my blessings for granted, all the while whining about what i don't have...
-I really want to start going to church down here...
-I almost feel like i've been used...even though i KNOW it isn't true...
-I don't regret anything, i'm thankful for everything i've experienced
-I've made memories that i will never, ever forget...i wish i could have stopped time...or held onto those moments just a little longer...I don't think i've ever been truly happy and relaxed and comfortable as i was then.....
-I miss something that i never had...if that's possible...
-I thank God everyday for my friends... some specifically by name...
-I wish some current situations could be different...but i know they can't...which sucks..and i know that they quite possibly never will be...which sucks more...
-I wish i could word everything in my head...
-I'm exhausted...mentally...emotionally...physcially....

i dont even have the attention span for this anymore... just to clarify, i really am ok...i probably sound a little off kilter...i'm just by myself and thinking too much, haha...for the most part i really am happy...the good definitely outweighs the bad...i just have to put it in perspective...

quit your life, stay with me....-MxPx

"because the things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile...."-Chasing Liberty

"But I think this: that whatever prices I've paid, whatever sorrows i shoulder, well, I have blessings, too." -She's Come Undone

life ain't always beautiful

2006-04-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

This song could not be more true...

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

lots on my mind..

2006-03-31T19:29:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about this town...but i swear to you everytime i'm here for more than like 2 days i start getting depressed and think too much, lol....I'm pretty sure i've relaxed myself about my retarded insecurities that i've had the past few days...i knew i'd get them..but it was worth it...and they've passed for the most part..so it's all good

My blood tests came back..and as suspected everything is completely normal...so they still dunno what my deal is, lol...if i'm still like this in a week or two i get to call dr adams and he's gunna change up my medicine a little...try to prevent any sort of drastic downfall or return to that horrible place i was in senior year...

Grammie hasn't been doing very well :-/ that doesn't make me happy..it actually really worries me...i love my grammie...shes the only grandparent i've ever really known..i mean yeah there was Emory, the step grandpa...but he got alzheimers when i was like 3 so he never really knew who i was...and he was in a nursing home somewhere until he died so yeah, i think i only saw him the two years or so we were livingi n dc....and one of the times was to see him carted off in the ambulance...a little traumatizing....but yeah...and my mom is really close to gram....just like i'm super close to my momma....she's been taking care of gram pretty much full time since before spring break last year...and i know it's hard on her..she's really stressed..but she won't quit...even if it's driving her into the ground....luckily since gram has moved into her little apartment thing out at redstone assisted living, mom's gotten a bit of a break...it's not quite so rough on her...other than making sure gram gets to all of her many many dr appointments...

i smiled tonight while we were visiting her...i miss her so much it's nuts...and she's just so sweet and spunky...that must be where i get my sass from, haha...i'm firey like her...and apparently according to one of the little attendent women i resemble my grammie around the eyes...which rocks...my grandmother is beautiful...always has been...and anytime people comment on my resembling her, from eye shape to nice complexion...i never cease to be utterly flattered...

is it terrible that i think alot about what's gunna happen when she....is no longer with us? like...i worry about that...a lot....and i shouldnt....then again i worry about all sorts of things that i shouldnt..so oh well....

ok this is really long, no one reads it anyway, and i'm starving...sooo i'm gunna stop babbling........

hmmmmm

2006-03-30T15:50:00.000-08:00

soooo....where to begin...

I had a xanga for a REAALLLY long time..it still exists..i just dont use it...i need to start using this one though...so i will, haha...

I'm on Spring Break right now, yaaaay!

I went to kentucky last weekend with caro....we had an absolute blast! i wouldnt trade that weekend for anything in the world...that's gunna be one of those crazy weekends i look back on and smile..for multiple reasons, haha... I really don't think that weekend could have been more perfect....

saw seth patrick today at the space and rocket center...hooray for nephews, haha...he's gettin so freaking big...i swear in a year or two he's gunna be taller than me... *sigh* which isnt hard to do

went to see dr adams....talked to him about whats been goin on this semester and how i feel all crazy sometimes....he sent me to quest so they could stab me and test my thyroid and electrolytes and liver...i dunno what that's all about but whatever...

I've been thinking too much lately. I've gotten all these ridiculous thoughts and fears that i've been rationalizing away....i know i'm just being dumb...i'm not used to feeling vulnerable...i'm not used to caring quite so much...i dunno.....

my dumb thoughts have no basis... i just have to keep reminding myself of discussions already had....regardless of what my mind may make of present situations versus past...

have you ever felt so deeply and had so much you wanted to say...but just couldnt? i think this is a first for me...y'all know i don't usually have a problem saying what's on my mind...especially if i write in one of these things...these tend to be very candid for me and yet...i can't do it...i dunno...it's weird...

i've been majorly stressed out lately...having no idea what i want to do with my life...despising the academic aspect of college so thoroughly, worrying about grades, getting a speeding ticket...throw in my stupid insecurities and well...that's tough for anyone right?

i think i just need a nap or something....